It’s been awhile since I’ve written here.

I’ve fallen in a hole.  Not a literal hole, mind.  More of a mental hole.  Happens every year.  It doesn’t matter where I am or what I am doing.  If I’m successful or not.  If I’m employed or in school or working at home.  If I’m in a relationship.  It’s just a seasonal thing.  All this darkness outside magnifies the darkness that always lurks inside.  Not that I’m on the dark side.  (Maybe I’ve been reading too much Star Wars lately?)  I’ve always tended toward depression, and if I’m not there by the time November comes around, November pushes me over the edge.

It’s been especially difficult this year.  I don’t know why.  I have a lovely husband, great friends, lots of chocolate, enough things to keep me occupied.  It’s just hard.  Losing Mittens, one of my kittens, has made it harder, I know.  But even if she hadn’t fallen prey to a coyote and was still around, I would still find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings.

There are days that I don’t want to get out of bed.  I just want to lie in the dark with my eye mask on and tune out the entire world.  But I make myself get up and keep going.  It’s incredibly hard.  I’ve been late to appointments.  I’ve not always taken as much care with my appearance.  But I’ve gotten out of bed.  I’m either too stubborn or too afraid of the consequences if I stay in bed.  After all, there are people who depend on me for a lot of things.  But what if one day I can’t manage to drag myself out of bed?  What then?

In the meantime, I’m back.  I participated in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month).  I didn’t reach the goal of 50,000 words.  I wrote just over 25,000.  But that’s 25,000 words my novel didn’t have before.  I’ve spent a lot of time with Grandpa.  I’ve decorated two Christmas trees and baked dozens of cookies.  I’ve had some cuddle time with Lil Boy who really misses his sister, too.  And I’ve watched way more Hallmark Christmas movies than is probably good for a person.

And I actually woke up happy last Wednesday morning.  It felt like a weight had been lifted off me.  The darkness of depression hasn’t all gone away.  I don’t expect it to until spring, which could be anywhere from April to June depending on the weather here.  But at least I’m not in the darkness right now.  At least I have some light.  And I have some amazing people who are loving me through this whole thing.  They make all the difference in the world.